Welcome to the Common Sense Department

Welcome to the Common Sense Department

Keep your mind open at all times. If you lack common sense of your own, please proceed in an orderly fashion to the nearest balcony and someone will be waiting to assist you over the edge.

All monitors should remain in the upright position and you should remain seated for the duration of the tour. If you have questions or comments, please direct them to the Author at the conclusion of the tour.

Strap in and hold on. It is bound to be a hell of a trip.

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Parents aren't emotionless robots... We are human, we make mistakes...

It's been forever since I've written anything on here, but I find it hard to sit and write to a blank screen if I am not fired up about something.  Seems kind of ridiculous in a way I guess, but that is just me.

The latest thing that has lit a fire under my rear is the blatant disregard for the emotional turmoil and the detrimental effects removing a child from the home has on the parents.  Everyone is so quick to acknowledge what that separation does to the child, but no one focuses on the parents.  No one cares how that affects the parents behavior and emotional state.

The government agencies sit there, expecting the parents to become superhuman in order to get their children back, siting how distraught the child is, but ignoring that the same is true for the parents, especially the mothers.  They are so ready to blame the parents for every misstep as if they make mistakes on purpose and seem to go out of their way to make a successful reunion impossible by way of punishing the parents for every error while never offering any solution or support to the parents in achieving the goal of getting their children back.

I am not a trained psychologist, but I don't believe it takes one to recognize the blatant disregard our society has for parents.  First, parents are never taught properly how to be parents before becoming one, then once they make a mistake, the most exaggerated steps are taken against them by a society and government agencies who are too quick to jump to the wrong conclusions and pass biased judgments.  Once a child has been removed from the home, not a thought is spared for the suffering and depression that affects the parents of the child, while every thought is given to a misguided idea regarding the welfare of the child.

Yes, some parents shouldn't be allowed to raise their children, especially those who are abusive, but those same rules are enforced even on parents who make the smallest of mistakes in comparison to abuse.  Not only is this sickeningly unfair, it comes with the detrimental effects of causing the parents to lose hope or ever getting their children back and an overwhelming sense of self-loathing, self-doubt and loss of confidence.  Many parents in this position turn to alcohol, drugs or some other essentially harmful behavior or activity in the hope of escaping themselves, which in turn just makes the situation worse.

And the government agencies look on this behavior as proof that the parents are not worthy of their child and force further restrictions and eventually strip the parents of their rights to their child, instead of seeing this behavior for what it is.  It is a cry for help.  We are so quick to recognize that in someone who isn't a parent, someone who hasn't had their children forcibly ripped from their lives, but never do we question our preconceived notions that this must be the reason the children were taken to begin with and that the agencies were right in their decision.

Its not right, nor is there any excuse for it.  Our society needs to step up to the plate and realize that if it is a cry for help in anyone else, than it is so in a parent.  We are no less perfect than anyone else, yet because we are given the gift of a child to raise, we suddenly have unfair and inhuman expectations shoved on us that we are expected to measure up to.

We are as human as the next person and just like someone who has lost a significant other either to a break up or to death, we grieve the loss of our children.  We don't know how to cope with the emotions roiling around inside because everyone tells us that we shouldn't have those emotions.  We should only focus on the tasks set for us by the court and the agencies, without the assistance of anyone else and without any thought to our own emotional state because our children are more important than that.

Yes, our children are important, I am not denying that, but it is that very same importance they hold that drives us to the point of insanity when they are removed from our lives forcibly.  We are so used to that connection with them, with knowing every little thing about them, their smell, the sound of their voice, the way it feels to hold them as they cry, that when that connection is broken, we are adrift and lost without it.

We lose our hope in the goodness of man, in ourselves and our ability to give our children the best that they deserve, and yet, we are expected to go on.  To shove down those feelings that threaten to make us into screaming, violent, completely shattered basket-cases and proceed in an autonomous fashion toward the rigged goals the agencies set before us.

We are not robots.  We have feelings, just as our children do and to ignore that is to ignore that which makes us human and to relegate our children to a life of being socially and emotionally stunted.  To expect us to achieve the goals of being financially stable, personally stable and educated in child-rearing through a bullcrap class on parenting taught by someone who has no experience living through the hell we daily trudge through, without any assistance or understanding of our turmoil, is not only inhuman and unfair, but it is also impossible.

Psychologists and other experts whose advice the agencies employ need to open their eyes and really take into consideration the torment suffered by the parents whose children have been removed from the home.  It is the responsibility of the agencies to assist the parents as it is for them to protect the child, because you cannot do one without the other and expect a satisfactory result.  It is proven scientifically through studies that children removed from family homes end up being rather emotionally screwed up, even if they are adopted by a loving family.

And it is also being found that there have been an overwhelming amount of cases where the child was removed from the home when there was no call for it.  Protecting children and ensuring family stability is not to be seen as a crusade.  It is a duty to be taken seriously, but also not a power to be abused.

There are many cases when if the family had been provided with counseling and supportive services, that the child would have been more than safe, but that is apparently asking too much.  These agencies are corrupted by the fear-mongering of our media, society and the psychologists who whisper horror stories in their ears.  Not every parent who makes a mistake deserves to be crucified.  There needs to be more attention brought to determining which cases require support and which ones actually do warrant a separation.

And, in my opinion, every effort should be made to assist the parent in achieving the goal of re-uniting with their child, not in providing barriers to that goal.  Our society really has things backwards and it shames me to have to consider myself part of it just because I live here.  I just want my kids back and I want to stop feeling like I am not good enough to raise them just because of what someone else did.

Yes, I made the decision to leave them with that person and I willingly take responsibility for that.  What I don't take responsibility for is their actions.  It was not me who hurt my daughter and as soon as I found out, I quickly got them out of that situation.  I did what a parent is supposed to do and yet, I am the one being punished for someone else's actions.

I am being made out to be the irresponsible, evil one even though I have always done my best to take care of my girls.  I had no other choice at the time but to trust that person to watch them because I had to work to keep a roof over their heads and food in their belly.  And it was someone I should have been able to trust, but I guess you never really know people sometimes, even if you live with them.

If I hadn't had to have that knee surgery, then the physical therapy....  If I hadn't been going to school to further my education to better provide for my kids and to give them a good example that it is always possible to follow your dreams...  If I hadn't had to work to support them, if I had had someone else to turn to, if someone in my family would have offered to watch them until I was able to find a daycare...  If the CPS lady had been more supportive instead of making me feel like a horrible person for trusting someone I had been engaged to at the time...  If I hadn't been so blind to the kind of person he really was and to his irritation with my children, even though he hid it from me....  If Friend of the Court had programs set up to assist parents...  If, if, if....

But if's won't fix it.  And I face the very real fact that I might not get my children back because the person I sent them to live with, my older half-sister, is on the same crusade as these agencies.  She sees me as the demon in the situation, not as another victim.  Not as a heart-broken mother who is losing hope because she can't see her girls.  No, I am the monster because I can't be the emotionless shell she and the courts expect me to be.  Because I suffer and make mistakes, I am the very definition of the evil parent who needs to be crucified.  At least according to them.

But what kind of mother would I be if I had no feelings?  What would my kids turn out to be if I didn't care for them so deeply that my heart is breaking even now just because they are not here with me?  Like I have stated before, I guess this teaches me that my own family is among those I can't trust and that if by some miracle I am able to get my girls back, I will make sure they see the error of my family's and the government's ways.  I will teach them what to look for and how to only give trust once it is earned, even with family.

I won't let them turn out like mine, delusional, dysfunctional and on a quest of martyrdom for no other reason than to make themselves feel better.  I want my girls to be strong, well-adjusted, observant and fair, not close-minded, superstitious and given to mass hysteria over nothing like the rest of this society.  Once I have them back, America can kiss my ass goodbye because I don't plan to raise my children in a social climate that is so volatile towards the parents who it should protect and support.  I will give them a better environment, a place where I won't be labeled evil just because I am human and where they will grow up feeling safe and secure in being who they are.  Some place, any place more tolerant than here for the humanity of others....

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